Illusion Never Changed Into Something Real
by sliceofperfection
Summary: "Do you even want a baby?" The question shook him. My interpretation of how Derek and Addison ended up pregnant in Seattle in accordance to the AU episode. Addek mostly with some Maddison undertones, clearly AU.


**Dedicated to Danyel for pushing me to write this. So this idea kind of popped into my head after I saw the whole "Do you even want a baby?" moment from the promo in the upcoming AU episode. I wanted to try and write Addek, but it turned into Maddek because I am hopelessly devoted to Maddison haha. Still, I hope you find at least parts of this enjoyable. It showcases why the Shepherds might have moved from New York to Seattle (in the AU scenario) and then moves to the moment that was flashed to in the promo. Anyway excuse the typos...I'm sure there are a couple scattered throughout...and review if you think it deserves one! Much love!**

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><p>Things were slowly slipping out of her control. The harder she tried to hold on, the more she risked pushing him away. But despite everything they had put one another through, the risk seemed worth it to her.<p>

He mentioned a position in Seattle with better benefits and potential for him to advance his career in ways New York wouldn't allow. And being the dutiful wife she was, she smiled and agreed to the move. It broke her heart to leave the brownstone, her friends, and booming career in Manhattan. He sensed this and was as comforting as a man who hated the lifestyle she asked him for could possibly be.

As he piled the last of their suitcases in the car out front (their furniture was currently making it's cross country trip in a moving van), she took one last glance at the home they had made. It was once full of love and warmth. She recalled the first year they moved into the space and how sparsely furnished it was due to their lack of funds as residents. Derek had insisted Addison's trust fund remain untouched for the sake of his own pride and not wanting to feel like he owed his wife absolutely anything. But she didn't mind then; there was enough love between them that money didn't mean anything to them.

She strolled casually through the living room, gracing the place where their couch once resided. Many of nights were spent cuddled under blankets, sipping wine and beer as they watched mindless television shows or movies that helped them unwind after a long day at work. Passing through the empty place now caused a shiver to run down her spine as those happy memories disintegrated with ones of her sleeping alone on the sofa, waiting for her husband to return home to her.

Letting out a forlorn sigh, she tried to blink back salty tears that were threatening to cling to her eyelashes. Addison lifted a finger to the underside of her lashes, blinking away the dampened mascara.

She jumped slightly whenever she heard the front door swing open suddenly due to the blustery weather outside. Quickly folding her arms over her chest, she pulled the fabric of her black wool coat tighter around her slender form.

"Ready to go, Addie?" He wrapped two arms around her waist, propping his chin up on her shoulder.

The unexpected contact that rarely occurred anymore, startled her. "Yeah," She exhaled sadly, eyes still scanning the emptiness of the room and trying to recall every happy memory made in this portion of their home.

"You ok?" He questioned, releasing her waist and stepping around to examine her facial expression.

She blinked, lifted her brow, and nodded emphatically. "Yeah. Fine."

He tilted his head to the side, knowing there was more than she was willing to tell him. Although he used to find this part of her endearing, it was kind of irritating she couldn't be more forthcoming with him after all these years. He was slowly losing semblance of how he should coax things out of her. She seemed content in not speaking to him and probing her could take hours that he didn't want to waste when he knew he'd be met with resistance.

"I'm sorry you're upset," He remarked evenly before bringing his mouth against the side of her temple. "But...Seattle might surprise you."

She rewarded him with one of her dazzling smiles. "Yeah, you're right," She returned with as much conviction and positivity she could muster.

Derek brought his hand to hers, intertwining their fingers and then giving her a reassuring squeeze. He leaned forward and she closed the space between them, kissing him softly. It was brief and to the point, but still retained its usual familiarity that set the pair of them at ease. At least physical gestures didn't feel as foreign as their conversations did at times.

He led her back to the front door, their hands still swinging together. They reach the threshold and Addison glanced back through the house that had once been theirs before turning her back on it, trying to prepare herself for the new life that was awaiting her in Seattle.

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><p>They drove through the hectic Manhattan traffic, but Derek was taking an alternative route that wouldn't lead them to the airport. "Derek?" She asked dubiously.<p>

"One more stop before we make it to JFK, Addie." He answered; already having an inkling she was about to question the turn he had just made that would delay them another half hour from leaving.

She nodded, knowing where he was taking her. Her gaze found it's way to the window and tried to focus on one of the landmarks they were slowly buzzing past. Everything concerning him had grown so blurry within the last couple of years, even more so in the last couple of months she could hardly stand to be in the same room as him. She instantly began chewing on the inside of her cheek; her breathing grew shallower as she tried to quell the queasiness in her stomach.

Moments later they pulled up to the front of the tan and brown bricked building that housed a multitude of New York residents. Derek got out first, waving to the doorman who had grown so familiar with the pair of them over the years. He was amicably chatting it up with him; Addison presumed it was about him allowing them to park their car out front of a few minutes without paying a valet fee.

She cautiously stepped out of the vehicle, red curls bouncing as the wind picked up unexpectedly. Reaching up to tuck away an uncontrollable flyaway, she squinted and kept her head ducked down as she approached Derek's side. She made a point not to make eye contact with the doorman as Derek slipped an arm around her waist and let the older man wave them through.

"Trying to get him to waive the fee?" Addison smirked over at her husband knowingly.

Derek chuckled and then dipped his head forward all the while guiding her to the elevators. "He was very good about it. We only have about ten minutes though." Clear disappointment is present in her husband's voice.

She turned to face him, pulling away from his encircling arm. "Would you like me to leave you two alone so you can make the most of that time?" She teased, which earned her a sarcastic _ha ha _on his end of things. That familiar high-pitched squeal that signals a form of discomfort came from her throat, the irony causing her to laugh. The humor is lost on her husband. And then she felt guilty. For saying it, insinuating something that's truer of her and her husband's best friend and then finding humor in how ironic it is.

The lift doors opened and Derek waited for her to step on first before following her inside. He pressed floor eighteen and they stood in silence as it climbed higher and higher. Addison pressed her back against the bar surrounding the elevator, hands gripping the cool metal so tightly her knuckles practically turn white. She kept her focus on the digital number on the panel, anxiously waiting for their desired floor to cause the elevator to bounce slightly and the doors to slip back open.

Derek's right hand grazed hers affectionately, sending chills down her spine. It was easy to disguise the true feelings behind her discomfort. Her fear of elevators covered up certain things that would destroy her husband.

They reached their destination after what felt like an eternity. It took a few moments for Mark to open the door and he is quick to usher them inside, trying to bustle around the apartment and play half decent hostess for once. He knew it would be the last time the Shepherds graced him with their presence, and they assumed he wanted to make it meaningful. When Derek explained the car situation, Mark quickly dismissed it and made a phone call to arrange for them to stay for a few moments longer.

Addison sank onto the right edge of his loveseat, cringing whenever Derek took the space on the left side. _If only knew…_she thinks torturously. She wondered momentarily if she had told him the truth how differently things might play out. So many times she had wanted to tell him, but then he would go and do things like place his hand on the space above her knee where the fabric of her skirt ended. Her hand would instinctively fall on top of his, their fingers folding over in a more modest grip.

Mark was busy in the next room, getting them drinks and trying to prepare a lunch tray he no doubt purchased at the deli on fifth.

Her back straightened considerably, ankles crossing in an attempt to appear regal despite all the fluttering and nerves that bounced around inside of her. Derek released his hand whenever Mark re-entered the room and she could breathe easier when it became clear the latter hadn't witnessed the intimate gesture between husband and wife.

"Now I know this isn't exactly five star quality that you both are accustomed to," He began, his focus mainly on Addison. She avoided any sort of eye contact with him as she reached forward for a slice of the Italian sub.

"This is fine, Mark." Derek assured his friend before looking to Addison to add some words of encouragement.

"Yes," She nodded and dared to smile softly over at Mark, "thank you."

His jade eyes locked onto her deep sea blue ones, "Sure thing." She looked away before he could continue to stare hopelessly into them one last time.

But there's nothing either one of them can do about it because Derek struck up a conversation that would keep the three of them entertained. And they continued to chat animatedly…as if nothing was changing. Two of them knew it already had while the other was happily left in the dark.

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><p>She could sense Mark wanted to prolong what they had intended to be a brief visit into something of an afternoon affair. Derek on the other hand, didn't want to stay and tried to evade Mark's suggestion that they start sipping a farewell cocktail. He tried his best to conceal the fact that leaving Mark behind would be more difficult than he anticipated. She knew him better than he cared to reveal to the rest of the world, Mark included. Which she found herself chuckling about more and more these days because he barely knew her anymore.<p>

"I uh, think I'm going to use the restroom." Derek announced, "And then we really should get going."

Addison caught his meaningful gaze and tipped her head in agreement to check the time on her watch. "Yes, our flight leaves in less than three hours."

"And you know with how many bags Addison takes and by the time we can check them all…" Derek teased, which caused Mark to crack a grin. "…we'll be lucky if we even make the flight."

"We'll make it, honey." She heard herself say the words, but it sounded kind of ridiculous given their lack of intimacy these days. But today appeared to be chalk full of sweet gestures and whispers she thought no longer applied to her marriage.

Derek exited the room, relieving one form of tension in the room but replacing it with another kind. Addison took a sip of her water, trying to prolong the action so she wouldn't have to say much to her husband's best friend.

Mark kept stealing glances from her, trying to memorize the fine details he would soon try to forget. When the silence became unbearable Addison took on the role of hostess and helped him put away the remaining sandwiches she knew he would stretch out for the next couple of meals.

"I got it," He insisted, trying to grab the tray from her.

A moment of struggling for control she finally allowed him to take the lead. But she followed him into the kitchen with two emptied water glasses in each hand. Dumping the melting ice into his sink, she bent over to place the glasses in his dishwasher. When she stood back up again, Addison could feel the warmth of his breath along the length of her neck.

Chills erupted over her arms and she thought about scolding him for his careless behavior. But she would be lying if she thought it wasn't something she wanted to feel at least what last time. Besides, how harmless could it be if they never saw one another again?

"You're really leaving with him?" His lips caressed the crown of her head as he muttered quietly.

There's an ache inside her chest at the sadness in his tone, but she's able to push it away so she can get through the next few minutes without disrupting the flow of her life. "He's my husband," Was the only defense she had.

Mark's mouth traveled slowly from the back of her head to her temple before landing on her earlobe, sucking it in between his lips. Her breath hitched in the back of her throat at the contact, and she found her hand reaching for his squeezing it tightly at her side.

"And what am I?" He questioned sullenly, nuzzling the side of her face with his nose.

Her throat constricted with emotions she could barely help from overflowing at this moment. He was breaking her heart. Couldn't he see that? Shutting her eyes and pursing her lips, she turned her face towards his until their foreheads were fused together. "Mark," She exhaled, inching her mouth toward his slowly but surely.

Suddenly the sound of running water startled both of them from the intense moment, shattering their final chance to savor one another. Addison turned to the sink, wiping away at the collecting moisture. Mark moved to the coat rack and grabbed her black wool coat and color-coordinating purse for her.

Derek arrived just in time to step in and help his wife back into her coat. He placed a soft kiss at the swell of her cheek, causing Addison to smile back at him with a form of happiness crossing her face. She knew Derek would want a moment alone with Mark so she stepped up to him.

Her arms enveloped his neck and she closed her eyes, taking in his scent. Mark's arms practically crushed her upper back and he would have never let her go if she hadn't pulled away after only a few seconds. Turning her face to the side she placed a chaste kiss at his cheek, he mirrored the gesture and then it was over.

Addison stepped out in the hallway to wait for her husband, attempting to recollect herself before he could return. As she dabbed at the streaks of mascara that slowly dripped from her melancholy blue eyes, Derek caught something out of place.

"Addie?"

She shook her head fervently, and held up a hand to signal she was just being overly emotional at how quickly everything was changing. "I'm fine, just…I'm ok." She managed a weak smile at the pair of them, and Derek took it upon himself to be the dutiful husband.

He placed a hand against her back and rubbed soothing circles while they strolled towards the elevator. She wiped at the tears from the edges of her eyes. Derek kissed her temple again and muttered something reassuringly she didn't hear.

She didn't dare look back to where Mark was standing. And because of that, she never realized just how much she had broken his heart by leaving with another man.

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><p>For a while they found a steady rhythm in Seattle. He wasn't married to his work more so than her, and slowly but surely she found them reconnecting again. There was still some hope for them after all. She saw the other happily beaming couples at various stages of their lives and wondered if they inspired him. There was still that lingering doubt in the back of her mind of him slipping back into old habits and her merely letting him take an indifferent stance on her.<p>

She lived her life cautiously, fearful that one wrong move would propel everything back into the past. It wasn't a comfortable way to live. Not for her anyway. She had gone with him to Seattle figuring he was her safest bet for happiness. And she was almost fully convinced she was happy. Nearly two years would pass before she felt full again.

It took both of them by surprise and uprooted everything they had planned for their future. They hadn't been trying. They were equally shocked by how enthusiastic she was about starting a family. It had been one of the major tension points back in New York. He wanted kids, she didn't. How quickly the tables turned on them.

"Derek," She began uncertainly in the scrub room. Her right hand rested on top of her stomach as if him seeing her in such a vulnerable manner would somehow appeal to him. However, none of it mattered because he didn't even glance up from the sink.

"I can't talk right now, Addie." He stated abruptly, "I'm about to go into another surgery."

"I realize that, Derek. But we had an appointment this afternoon." She reminded him with equal annoyance at his lack of commitment these days.

He exhaled sharply before turning off the running water. Judging by his hesitation, the appointment had slipped his mind. "Look, I'm sorry I missed out on it. Today has just been crazy, ok?"

Her lips twisted into a frown when she heard the sharp edge in his voice. She wondered if he intended to sound this way. "I get that," She started again softly, staring down at her swollen stomach. "But lately it feels like…" She trailed off in order to get his full attention.

Derek's sky blue eyes snap onto hers. "What Addison? What do you want from me now? I'm practically tearing myself in half trying to balance my time evenly between work and you. What more could you possibly want from me?"

"I want my husband back," She rounded on him stiffly. The warmth had vanished from her face and her voice was lifting in octaves with each statement she threw back at him. "The man who promised me to love and cherish me until the day I died. Have you seen him lately? Because he would never talk to me like you are now. He would never skip out on a doctor's appointment to go out and drink in the middle of the afternoon."

"Oh so it's all my fault now? Everything's gone to hell because I missed one freaking appointment. I'm an ass because all I wanted was a little peace and quiet away from the craziness my life has become."

"It's not about you missing the appointment, Derek."

"Then what is this about? Help me understand what it is you want from me, Addison!"

"I want you to care! Ever since we found out about the baby, everything's changed! You avoid me as much as your schedule permits! You go to the appointments, and listen to me ramble on about the hundreds of decisions that need to be made before the baby comes but it doesn't feel like your heart is in it!"

Derek scoffed at her, shaking his head in disbelief at the many assumptions she's making.

"Do you even want a baby?"

The question shook him and he narrowed his eyes at her. "Do you think I would be doing all of this if I didn't want a baby? Do you think I would be busting my ass in here," he gestures wildly to the OR, "so that we can have more time when the baby comes together? Or are you still wrapped up in blaming me for making you move to Seattle, that you can't see you aren't the only one who's making sacrifices?"

"At least I'm making all the right ones," She defended pointedly before turning on her heel and leaving him.

How quickly things reverted back into the way they were. She would blame herself for his change in attitude, mainly because of her guilt with what happened between Mark and her in New York. But in actuality, he was just unhappy with the people they had become. They were holding onto the illusion that they could be that earnest, hopelessly devoted couple once more. But no matter how hard anyone tries, illusions can never be made into anything real.


End file.
